How to Break the Habit of Being Yourself?

Imagine that the concept of ‘you’ is just an illusion. This definition of what you think you are is just a limitation you have unconsciously built for yourself. What if you give yourself the…

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Find your calling by learning to trust yourself

When I was a kid, I thought all people eventually got to a point where they had life figured out.

I thought you were supposed to know the one thing in life that you were born to do.

I imagined that each person has one blazing moment of discover. I pictured one moment during which each person discovers the one undying passion, the one thing that propels him or her from bed each morning.

I was anxious because I didn’t have an answer.

And, if there was anything I had learned when I was in school, it was that you must have answers. You must know what to do.

If it’s a math problem, you figure it out.

Even in English classes, where you think you would be given some creative liberties, I discovered that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to write.

That was horrifying to me and gave me even more anxiety than I already had.

I continued through elementary school, middle school, high school, and all the way through college trying to find that one thing.

I had many interests, but I didn’t know the one thing I was supposed to do.

I went into the Peace Corps after college thinking that this experience would solidify it for me.

What happened was that I had a horrific experience with the Peace Corps administration and ended up getting so physically sick and so mentally demoralized with bureaucratic failures that I left early and went home.

I felt like a failure, and I still didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

One of my parents got hit hard with a mental health crisis, and it almost wrecked my family.

The events that ensued threw me and my family into a tailspin.

This was before I left for the Peace Corps, and my life-changing time in Guatemala was supposed to make things better.

Well, it didn’t.

I left Guatemala early, and when I got home, my family was still reeling from the mental health crisis and its aftermath.

Partly because I felt like I needed to finish my “service” as a volunteer and partly as a desire to escape, I left the East Coast and moved to Montana, where I became an AmeriCorps volunteer.

This experience turned out much better.

But I still didn’t know how to support my family member, who was severely over-medicated at the time and was no longer the person I once knew.

All I knew was that it was a free, 12-week course designed to help family members care for their loved ones with mental illnesses.

I was the youngest person in the room by far. The average age appeared to be about 50.

I was intimidated, and I didn’t know what I was doing.

I was also lost in a lot of ways, and talking about mental health issues with strangers was not very high up on my list of enjoyable activities.

But something surprising happened in that class.

I discovered that not only was I not out of place in this group — I realized I had much wisdom to share.

I ended up finding my voice in that group.

I realized that it was not only my family member who was struggling — I was struggling as well.

My anxiety had gotten really bad — anxiety I had always carried with me but somehow had been able to push aside.

But I had recently faced my own mortality in needing to have open-heart surgery just months earlier.

And I was scared out of my mind. And anxious. And not coping in the best ways.

Through it all, I stumbled through the mist of my own anxiety and depression to find this class, this Family-to-Family course.

Here I found people who had walked where I had walked. I found people with whom I shared common language and experiences.

And during those 12 weeks, I learned to talk about what happened to my family when we got struck by that mental health crisis.

I learned to put words to my experiences. More importantly, I learned to carry those words with me to describe my experiences and my life to come.

I discovered that I had the ability to draw my own frightening experiences to relate to and empower other people.

The feedback I received in that course emboldened me to follow the path my heart was carving for me.

I got through the 12 weeks of mental health conversations with strangers and emerged wiser. I became more resilient. Specifically, I gained language, confidence, and skills to help others work through their mental health experiences.

The 12-week experience emboldened me to apply for my first job in the mental health field.

That job was challenging, engaging, and a success. Working with middle-school-aged youth and their families led, a few years later, to a more demanding job with the state of Montana to manage a mental health program.

One domino hit the next one, and I could finally see the path I was meant to be on.

About five years later, I’m almost done with a graduate degree in social work.

Joining people in their darkest moments and collaborating with them to find a way forward is when I feel alive and most connected to humanity.

I know it’s what I’m supposed to do.

How to Break the Habit of Being Yourself?

Find your calling by learning to trust yourself

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