What a Feeling !

My mother tried to tell me that we were temporary. I refused. It made no sense to me that something so pure and effortless would be temporary. Why would ANY of us open our eyes and let what we have go?

They told us that twenty children cannot play together for twenty years. I remember we laughed at them, they clearly didn’t know what they were on about. I thought they just hadn’t found their tribe but we did. We did.

As the years piled on, I realized what we had actually required effort. But it was effort that came naturally. It is constantly doing heart work to create space for someone to feel at home with you. For someone else to look in your eyes in the middle of chaos and you feel held. And for you to do same. It’s the little things too, the little things that aren’t actually little. They’re called little because it doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of things you’d be willing to do for each other. At least that’s how it is for me. Little things like buying three sachets of chips because I knew one of you would end up hungry and you loved the chips. Like sharing our prescriptive lenses because yours broke. Like taking a long walk to Superstore on a rainy day because we both needed to clear our heads. Despite our anemia lol. It’s having each other on our burners. It’s listening to a podcast even if it’s not your thing because one of us is hosting it. It’s sitting in a smelly car for close to five hours because at the end of it I’ll be seeing you. Things like going to Jss2 Jade during break because we knew they would be there and you liked each other. Strategic positioning, we called it. Now the strategy is us being each other’s reference when we apply for jobs and apartments.

We’ve moved from “dubbing” our maths assignments to fixing our CVS, editing essays. “Let’s go during break” has become “I’m working till January so let’s do it then”. “I’m coming to get it in your room” is now “please be in Lagos in December.” “We’re always here everyday” is now “The last time we came here was three years ago.” The only constant is the emotion. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt and I’ve felt a LOT of things. It’s the endorphins I get when we hop on a call (it’s really not the same but it’s something). I would try to describe this “feeling” but that might mean crying myself into a headache.

I want to say that every time our songs come on, I pray for you and send you light. I also thank you for letting me feel something so beautiful. Every time we hang out again we cuss each other out for not reaching out as much or for keeping “secrets”. We know this is the growth they spoke about. The days always end with us promising to do it again. Half tearing up and half praying that life is kind enough to each of us. Life has to be kind to let us do this again.

What a fucking feeling!

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