MY ONE MONTH ENGAGEMENT

Sina mengi ya kusema. You know mtu akianza hivi, huyu ametumwa . So, I was engaged at some point in my life, yes, shock on you. Wachana na hutu tuuongo uongo. I was engaged to this beautiful man, very beautiful. I’m sure you’re really trying to figure out how come you didn’t know of it, but this happened. Next time, pay attention in the bar when I’m trying to give a story.

Back to my ex fiance, let’s call him Allan (not his real name). He was 35 at the time and I was 21 yrs old. Love clearly doesn’t know age. He used to live here in Nairobi, leafy suburbs- lower Karen, I mean Langata. So this wasn’t much of a distance for me since LA is like home. We met 2 yrs before that when I attended a book launch that was happening in one of the prestigious 4 star hotels. He was dressed in ash grey khaki pants, a fitting pink shirt and some nice designer shoes. Don’t blame a Kalenjin, mimi nilizubaa tu kwa sababu mimi hapan tambua watu ya hii Nairobi wanaweza kuvaa vizuri. On the other hand, this Kalenjin girl was in aka tiny maroon dress na ngomaa za white (kuna barbie flani anasoma hii na hajui ngomaa ni nini, ask your auntie). He was sitting on the next table and I was with a friend of mine. I mentioned to her that this jamaa anakaa fine thank you halafu nikabaki nimemzubalia tu, silly Kalenjin behaviours *sigh*.

Ghafla bin vu, he started tangatangaring around our table sijui mbona, mimi nikalenga story. Aki sijui kama nitamaliza explanations but by the end of the event, nilikuwa na number. Ni mimi ndio niliitisha number btw, na siringi. Cutting the story short ,we became very close friends afterwards until we began dating. Mimi mtoto wa campus, nikasanya tuvirago zangu kidogo nikahamia kwake, temporarily. He had a well furnished place for small children like us. Kwanza mtu ako na Wi-Fi kwake, kalenjin girl hakuwa anataka kutoka. He would always drop me at Uni in his black VW and give me allowance, literally he was my DZadddy.

Everything was roses and lillies at this point. He even bought me a 14k Rose Gold Aberdeen diamond ring which he used for proposing. I won’t go into the itsy bitsy details because this was done over breakfast, kwa jikoni yake. Mtoto mkalee ameshaona vile she’ll be walking down the aisle akiiba Chameee Cho Chamee…. Alas! Alas! Nilishtuka!

I got back home one of those days at around 8.30pm and found my luggage in the living room by the couch. I called out Allan’s name but some petite chic came from one of the rooms saying “Allan ametoka kiasi anarudi”. Alas! Madam, who is you bwana na unafanya nini hapa? These were just the words that were going through my mind. I followed her to the room and asked her who she was and told me to just wait for Allan. Hapo nikakumbuka I used to fight with boys in primary, nikashangaa haka kasichana kanaleta ATT ya nini. Linda, calm down, utamaliza mtoto ya wenyewe. I walked back to the living room and sat on the arm rest, in utter shock, looking at these packed bags of mine.

Allan came in the house almost 7 min later. I literally jumped up ready to demand answers from him but he stopped me saying “Little girl, punguza pupa”. I went back and sat down kama mtoto anataka kuchapwa. He went to the bedroom and came back with the other lady and said “This is Sera, my first wife”. WEEEEEE!!!!! ATI NANI???? Aje tena? Ati first wife? Aiii buda, no! The lady just stood there with a stupid smile on her face. I could literally see her akicheka kindanindani kama Akuu wa Samurai Jack, or even better, Mojo Jojo. This life changing hata haikuwa ati nilikuwa nafukuzwa btw, Allan wanted me to move to the guest bedroom then Sera would move back to her matrimonial bed. Ata heri angenifukuza tu. Ni kama sponsor akununulie Porsche Cayenne halafu akuwekee sticker ya learner, aibu my fren! I did not wait for any more news, watoto wadogo kama mimi hatutaki heart attack. I just called an uber and went back to the hostel where I used to live, with a 1 rose gold ring yenye btw, Allan alikujia the next day.

Maybe all this true, maybe it isn’t. Look for one lady who goes by the name FeliFeli, buy her one long island and she’ll show you Allan’s place…

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